Thursday, 19th July
On Saturday I went through two huge disappointments and a huge breakthrough. I wanted two things to happen on the new moon and put them out in intention. The first was to have my new improved website up and running, and secondly, to take a shamanic ceremony with some very close friends.
I had two challenges. I had to rely on other people: the web designer and my friend who was hosting the ceremony. As Saturday loomed closer things were not looking good. The web designer had become very quiet. So quiet in fact that I had not heard from him for three weeks. The second blow was that I had not spoken or really connected to my friend and could not feel the energy building up for the ceremony.
Everyday for the last week I sat and intentionalised and visualised the ceremony and seeing my website up and running. I also prayed that a miracle would happen and things would magically come together.
Saturday came and it became obvious that the website wasnâ€™t going to happen and I just had to let go. I felt let down by the Universe but had to accept reality. Despite my annoyance at not being in control I was able to remain balanced and calm. Then the second blow hit. At 6.00pm I phoned my friend who was hosting the ceremony, she had gone out on the piss the night before and had a hangover from hell. We tried to find another venue but it was too late in the day and after two hours I had to let go of my second dream.
It was then I could feel my self spiralling into the same old addictive pattern of depression, fear and self-loathing (the Iâ€™m not good enough critic!). However, simultaneously, I just knew it was all happening perfectly and all I needed to do was trust. For the first time I was consciously able to see both my shadow side and my light side. I did not want to become the victim again and drag myself and everyone else around me down but I just couldnâ€™t stop the feeling that was overwhelming me.
My partner suggested we go to the park to clear our heads. The sunset was breathtaking. It was if the sky was on fire, and there stretching across the park was a huge sunset rainbow â€“ the symbol of hope – spanning the sky.
It took my breath away and I heard in my heart â€˜You will never be forsaken, this is the sign of the rainbow, you are never forsaken.â€™ It was as if Pachamama had heard my heart calling and this was Her answer. I just broke down and released all the pent up feelings of hopelessness and connectedness. I cried for joy, for pain, for letting go and for trusting.
Suddenly, I realised how I had created this whole experience. I had substituted one calendar for another by disconnecting to the Gregorian calendar and instead adopting the moon cycle calendar. Over the years, and especially in the last two years I have been becoming more obsessed with these cycles until I had started to use it as a control mechanism. I was no longer flowing with the natural energy and rhythm of life!
I had broken through the illusion that I thought was the reality. I call this Synchronistic Chaos. It is when we become aware that life is always changing, one dream comes true while another is shattered, while another comes true, while another one shatters. This is when we must ride this roller coaster of change and enjoy every minute of it because behind every broken dream lies a new beginning and a new opportunity.
Once we can really accept we are not in control and just let go of the reigns we can really start surfing the Synchronistic Chaos.
To be continuedâ€¦
Love and Blessings
Rebekah Shaman xxx